This is a long and sordid story, and now that my living out (or subjecting myself to) its sordidicity and crapitalnuttishness is at the proverbial end, I feel I must tell that story for the edification and edutainment of others- as well as to create a detailed record (as uncomfortable for me to confront as it may be) of my own foolishness. I haven't learned much in this life, but I have learned I have to remind myself how stupid I can be in order to remind myself not to indulge my tendency to be stupid. It's hard.
Now, it isn't as if I haven't done some other majorly foolish things in my life that weren't more ridiculous than being in a 'relationship' with someone incapable of having one (and I don't mean me), it's just that they've mainly been noteworthy only to me and the other individuals unlucky enough to be involved. Non-bloggable, mainly to protect the guilty/ride out the statute of limitations, as it were. This tale- one of woe, miscommunication, overdoses, theft, good cops/bad cops, near death on the highway, robberies, drug manufacturing, pregnancies, massive addiction and alcoholism, destruction of property, car chases, assault, self-absorption, child abuse and neglect, sex, lies, some more sex, some more lies, etc- this tale is one that has entertainment value, at least, if one is to refuse that the educational merit is there. If you read along with me, you will be privy to what- on surface examination- seems bizarre and unusual. But experience has shown me that the only thing "bizarre" in the tale I have to tell is how long I chose to stay in the center of it... as well as the fact that millions (billions) of men (and women) subject themselves to, or are stuck with, situations similarly dire, destructive, and soul-sucking.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this lately- how we are so good at making poor decisions and fucking ourselves up and over, and I have no good answer. The closest I can come is that we, by trying to get "closer" to others, only make things worse. So does thinking about it.
If there was a god, she obviously is having a hell of a laugh at our expense. By each being given their own individual consciousness, humans are condemned to never truly being able to "know" another; we are stuck inside a never-ending cycle of miscommunication (and attendant "hurt feelings") that has been responsible for every war (not foreign, maybe necessarily, but definitely the ones on the domestic front) in our fucked-up little history as a mess-making, shit-throwing, upright talking monkey. Hell, I think human foibles and dumbness are fucking hilarious (as long as they don't involve me); why wouldn't someone numinous and omnipotent and shit from the outside, an observer who didn't share our curse (or who more likely cursed us with our fucktardery just for the entertainment value) be ROFLMAOing with galactic mirth? People are fucking retarded, and we are supposedly made in G-d's image, and that shit is fucking funny, yo. Especially when male and female play out their historic and biblical roles. Hence this blog. Each entry will be a detailed recounting- with audio, written, and visual evidence- of an individual incident that occurred over a couple of years of chaos and co-dependency. Indulge me. I will be grateful, and you will feel superior to me. G-d knows I can't buy indulgences from anyone else.... certainly not from a woman/the goddess, cause if I did, then tomorrow she'd deny ever having sold it to me and feign ignorance of the entire conversation.
"God has revealed his sense of humor by combining the genital organ with the urinary tract" - Berthold Brecht
